So funny!

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Many Emotions

I do not like grad school right now. I have no motivation to complete my assignments. I do not care if I don't get an A. I've never been that way before. I don't know what to do to get motivated again, because I just do not care at all. One class I don't mind, but the other one I hate. I feel like I have been in this class repeatedly. It's the same professor for three other classes that I've had. All of the classes have been the same.

I quit cheerleading. I hate that I had to quit. It was so hard leaving all of the girls. I feel sorry for them and the situation I left them in. I had to quit because of health and personal reasons. I now worry about what it's going to be like for the cheerleaders the rest of the year. It has been the hardest last couple of weeks staying out of cheerleading. I love the girls, and I want to stay involved because they are so great, but I had to leave for personal reasons.

I am in Mississippi and am so excited that I am able to visit friends. I am enjoying the time away from Searcy and the ability to relax. We have no plans, and that's so great!! I love not having to rush anywhere.

I love teaching school right now. School is so fun. I'm getting to teach the kids so many fun things and they are really enjoying learning. I feel like I am making a difference in their lives both educationally and emotionally. I am truly doing my job as a teacher.

For the most part, I have great co-workers. They really care about me and what I am doing. They are so nice to me. Yesterday, I had several go out of their way to make sure I was okay. I felt so loved. I am very thankful for that.

Spiders

I do not like spiders. I never have. They're freaky, eight legged creatures. I don't even like grand-daddy long legs. Well, my dispise for spiders has grown recently. A week ago a red sore developed on my toe. I had no idea what was from. By Sunday, my whole foot was swollen and I couldn't walk. I went to the ER (not my favorite place) because of the pain and I had red streaks leaving the wound. They concluded that I had been bitten by a brown recluse. When, I do not know. My foot looks awful. I have not been to work all week. The swelling is massive, and now I have a very nasty wound. I've been back to the doctor on Tuesday, and I'm going back this afternoon. On Monday, I developed a blister in my eye. I do not know if this is related to the spider. I'm so glad that I didn't see the spider when it bit me. If I had, the spider would be going through just as much pain and suffering that I have been through because of his choice to bite me.

Rough Couple of Days

It's been a rough couple of days in work and family. Struggling with having a positive attitude and staying focused.

K is for Klutz

I remember having to come up with acrostics all during school. Sometimes we got to do our mascot, but we usually had to do our name. I had a terrible time with this project. K....Y....L...A.
It doesn't get much harder than that.

I have finally found a word for the letter K....Klutz.

I've known for awhile that I am accident prone. In college flag football I received a concussion, pinched nerve, broke hand, and torn ACL. Yes, in that order. Needless to say, I'm glad that I graduated in four years. I hate to think what year five would have brought on.

This weekend, I sealed the deal as being a klutz. My husband and I had a long restful weekend of football. On Sunday night, we went over to a friend's house to cook and watch the Manning brothers. (I sure do have a married woman's crush on Peyton) My husband was making hot wing sauce and asked me to melt some butter in a bowl in the microwave. Since we weren't in our home, I couldn't find the bowls (later found clean in dishwasher). I chose to use a mug. Well, our friend's microwave works better than ours because the butter was boiling when the timer went off. I pick up the mug no problem. Apparently, my finger holding the handle decided to have a spasm and touch the side of the mug. This burned, so I flinched. This cause butter the temperature of lava to splash all over my other hand. It landed on the side and then proceeded to run down my hand. As I'm screaming in pain, I'm spilling more butter on the original hand that caused all of the trouble. I finally make it to the counter and wipe the butter off. I have stripes on the palm and back of hand from the burning fire of butter. Later in the night, another friend comes over and asks if I just had a child because it looked like I was leaking. In all the commotion of spilling butter, I spilled quite a bit on my big boobed self on a grey t-shirt. The butter made spots look wet. I couldn't see over my boob to see the big dark grey spot on the underside of my boob. It was quite embarrassing and funny at the same time. I am sorry there are no pictures to enjoy this, but my camera was at school.

p.s. the good thing is that survivor starts thursday, and I have no meetings this weekend.

Ramblings

Steve Irwin died from being pierced by a stingray barb. I find it weird, almost funny that the crazy guy who does stupid things with animals dies because of an animal. I thought for sure a crocodile would take his life someday.

The Razorbacks got beat Saturday, but at least it was better than last year.

I am loving helping the cheerleaders. I have routines and chants running through my head all the time. It is taking me back to high school. I feel young again.

Today, I didn't have school, so I went up to school to organize the cheer storage closet. It was a mess. There were 15-20 boxes that would not fit in the closet plus the mascot costume. I got them all in there today except one. That's okay though because it was the lost pom poms and I'll give them out to the girls on Tuesday. I felt very good about it. I love being able to organize messy things.

I feel caught up. I have all of my classes grades entered. I have turned in my homework that is due tomorrow. There are a few things that I still need to do, but I'm not overwhelmed.

The first couple of weeks of school have gone well. We've had the back to school dance, and classes have finally settled down. My biggest class has 25 students. My computers are working, but I'm waiting for student printer.

Ty is getting settled into his new job. I'm so thankful for this blessing. It will eventually take care of us completely. I can't wait.

We decided to hold off on moving to Cabot. We are going to pay a few things off and save for a down payment before buying a house.

I love my Crisis Class and the other class is growing on me. I know it will not be my favorite, but at least it is bearable.

School starts Monday

Although I enjoy the summer and having time off, I'm ready for school to start back up. I've been getting my classroom ready for days. I'm so excited about this school year. I get to teach brand new stuff to a whole new group of students. Monday, 130 students are going to file through my room. I want to be an example to these moldable minds of seventh graders. They deserve to have at least one person who cares about them. I want the students to know that I do care for them, and I believe they can succeed. In addition to the 130, I have 41 cheerleaders depending on me to lead them in the right directions. I can't wait to have all of these kids spending their weekdays with me.

Busy Bee

Today, I woke up and decided to be a little worker bee. I have already made Ty breakfast, checked blogs, painted our third bedroom, and done 5 loads of laundry. It's not even noon yet. I've also danced/exercised for 30 minutes. I plan on moving a two shelves, making some phone calls, running errands, and making dinner by 5 o'clock. At the rate I'm going, I will be able to get it all done. What is wrong with my lazy self? I like this attitude in myself. I hope it stays.

Tomorrow is my first official day of school meetings. It is my least favorite day, because I have to meet everyone. I'm so terribly bad at meeting people because it is way out of my comfort zone. Tomorrow is especially bad because the parents come. The good thing is that classes don't start until the 21st. That gives me some more time to get things done.

In other news, Ty has been "unofficially" hired fulltime by his father. In two weeks he will change to commission pay instead of hourly. In six months that will increase, and then in a year it will increase again. In three years, Ty's dad will step out of the business. This is a huge answer to prayers. Ty and I are looking at moving to Cabot to be half way between both of our jobs. We found a great house, but I do not know if we can afford it. We are swimming in debt, so I'm not sure we will get approved. But it is perfect, 3 bedrooms, 3 baths, and 1.6 acres. It also has a dishwasher and fireplace!!! Oh it is heaven on earth for Ty and me.

Surprises

Yesterday was a wonderful day! I started the day with some sweet compliments from a stranger. As I was getting ready for my last graduate class of the summer my husband called. He wanted to go on a date with me. That's always special, so I agreed to meet him in Little Rock after class. I got to Little Rock with no problems. My sweet husband surprised me with Tim McGraw and Faith Hill concert tickets. It was great. We also went out to eat at Damgoode Pies. I love this place. It has Chicago style pizza. Yum! We then went to the concert. The concert was really good. I was surprised at how Faith Hill responded to the audience. She took letters and read a sign that asked her to sing "I Surrender All" to their Granny who was on the phone. Believe it or not, she sang it. It was beautiful. I gained a lot of respect for her because of that. She then sang "How Great Thou Art." That was planned in her concert. I was so very impressed and decided that I like her that much more. Tim McGraw is just a good performer.

p.s. I don't know how Tim got his jeans on.

Sunshine

This morning I woke up to a pleasant surprise. I was checking blogs, and I saw a letter to me. This letter was written because I had blogged about her. Stacy, that made me feel so special. I have been having some gray days lately, and this cleared some of the clouds. I long for a continued sunshiny day, but they are so few and far between that I've almost forgotten what they feel like. Maybe today I will see the sunshine all day.

What do I read?

Copying Lindsey from several months ago I thought I'd do a blog review. I'll write about Lindsey's first. She cracks me up. There is never any clue about what she'll write about next. Reading her blog makes me miss her and college life.

Stacy : I don't even know this woman in real life. I came across her blog randomly and now I check it everyday. She usually writes about her family, but I find myself strangely connected to her and her emotions. I can identify with her, and I have a weird sense of understanding even though I have no kids. She is creative, talented, and funny. Her humor and openness leaves me longing for updates.

Baby Ira : This site is written by Ira's dad, Joe. Ira was born with a birth defect, and this blog is about his struggles as a father with a child with disabilities. It occasionally has other points of interest like church planting and baseball. It is very moving to see how a family copes with this stress in their daily lives.

Kristen Chapman : This girl was in my club at Harding. I always thought she was funny at school especially when I got a concussion playing "D" team football freshman year. She's just a fun loving girl.

There are several websites I visit daily, but I never comment (hint Stacy and Ira). I had a conversation with Sam about being a secret blog checker. We decided everyone does it, and they are afraid to comment on people they don't know that well. However, because of blogs we feel like we've known them forever.

I would cry if anything happened to my anonymous blogging friends.

wrong place at wrong time video

Mario Brothers

I love Mario Brothers. When the first Nintendo came out, I had enough money saved to purchase one. I played that game all the time. Recently, I've seen Nintendo DDS (?) ads for the new Super Mario Brothers. I want to play so badly, but the screen is like one square inch. Not worth the money to satisfy my longing for the long lost came. Ty and I have an XBOX. I've been trying to find a game that is similar to Mario because Microsoft doesn't make a Mario game. I played PacMan World for awhile. It's okay, but it was extremely easy to beat. That is probably why they have an E for Everyone on the package. A three year old could play it. Yesterday, I rented Frogger Beyond. Let me tell you. It is hard. I feel like such an idiot playing this frog came. Ty makes fun of me, but I don't care. I think I may just have to buy this one to help give me a procrastination tool.

My other procrastination tool is making up dances. I've made one up, but I have no music for it. That's backwards I know.

What's up with that?

• I get nervous when there is a word verification letters signature. I don't have good eyes, and they always use some font that it is hard to read. I'm afraid I'll get it wrong.
• When I drive by corn or cotton fields, I want to pull over and steal some off of the plant. What a weird urge!
• Why is there braille on drive through ATMs?
• People in Clarksville, Tennessee don't know how to drive at Four-way stops.
• Why does my computer freeze up everytime I open a pdf file?
• I've haven't been able to get into my classroom since school got out.
• I'm still awake at 11:35 when I usually go to bed at about 10.

Pictures of the Chaos

Chaos

We just finished up fireworks. It was an experience in and of it self. If you want more details about that you can call or ask me in person. However, I will tell you the story that puts the icing on the cake for chaos. I need to give a little bit of background before I start the story. My dad has a very bad temper. Ty and I borrowed my parents minivan and camper to go to fireworks.

We are traveling home to Searcy from our fireworks tent in Clarksville. Ty and I were in the van following our friends who were pulling the camper with their truck. The camper started fishtailing a little so we pulled over at the next exit to check the tires, etc. We get back on the road and four miles later, the camper starts fishtailing. This time it is not just a little, it is 90 degrees to the truck. I am freaking out because I'm watching this all unfold. It was a silent freak out though. He finally gets pushed over to the median by the force of the camper. That's when it got really bad. The camper started to flip over. Since it was still attached to the truck, the truck started to flip. Just at the last moment, the safety latch on the trailer snapped, so the camper let go of the truck. This allowed the truck to slam back down on all four wheels. We knew everyone was okay, but the camper was definitely not. It was on its top in the median of I-40 in Tennesee. The camper was totalled. The windows were busted out and our belongings were scattered all over the highway. We spent the next hour sorting through the wreckage and getting our things in the truck and the van. This was a huge feat since they were already were packed. We finally made it back to Searcy, but it was absolute chaos in the camper and while the camper was crashing.

Ramblings

I couldn't think of a title because I have so many random things that will be said in this post.

• After I finish my take home final tonight, I will have successfully completed 15 hours of graduate school creating a $1300 raise.
• In July, I get to take a class with one of my favorite undergrad professors. I am so excited.
• Izzie is probably pregnant.
• I am definitely not pregnant.
• I am about to be camping out for 3 weeks in Tennessee.
• I still don't know where my pugs will be staying while I am gone.
• I start selling fireworks on Tuesday.
• I am nervous about being the cheerleading coach.
• I stress out way too easily.
• I am starting to come up with a totally new curriculum for next school year.
• My brother-in-law got a job!!!! Yay!
• As a 24 year old, who am I supposed to leave my life insurance and retirement to besides my husband. I shouldn't have to make these decisions.
• My parents just got back from an African safari. Sadly they killed a zebra and a giraffe.
• Because my parents are mounting so many of their animals, they are building onto the house to have room to hang the heads.
• My parents are spending my inheritance.

p.s. I hate fireants.

School's out for Summer

Yay for summertime!!!! Our air conditioning broke, but since my parents are in Africa we are crashing at their house. It's been kind of nice. In the week and a half since school's been out I've: gone fishing several times, watched X-Men 3, ate lunch with Anna and Caca, read The Divinci Code, watched The Divinci Code, slept a lot, played with my animals, and hung out with Ty. I love summer. I start a two week short course on Monday. I'm not looking forward to having class for four hours a day. However, I still will get to sleep in. Then, I'm off to sell fireworks. I can't wait for some extra money to be flowing in. Everything is going well with the family. My parents return Monday, so I'll have to get the air fixed. That would be a little crazy with us all here. Plus, I could get away from my fears of chickens and bees.

Last night when I took the dogs out, a medium sized tarantula crawled across my foot.

Poison

Yesterday morning, I was cleaning the house. Ty was fishing with his dad, so I had the house to myself to do as I pleased. Well, I took the puppies out to the bathroom. when I brought them back in I fed them. Within about 15 minutes both of the little dogs were foaming at the mouth and coughing. The boy then threw up. I freaked. I called Ty and he said to take them to the vet. I rushed them to the vet because it closed in 20 minutes. I got there and they were given shots and medicine. They are going to be okay, but it was very nerve racking. They got into some poison, but we have no idea where. They have been really sick and tired the rest of the weekend. To make things worse, Izzie is in heat.

Sorrow

Today I received some upsetting news. One of my student's at Lonoke died yesterday afternoon. Thankfully, he is no longer suffering in his battle against cancer, but why must he die at such a young age. I've check on some people daily. Two of these I don't know. One died eight days after birth and the other just reached his first birthday. Please pray for these three families.

Here are there websites:
Caleb, Lonoke student www.caringbridge.org/ar/caleb
Ira, one year old in New York www.brooklynchurchplant.blogspot.com
Noah, passed away at eight days http://noahwhaley.blogspot.com

Oh my! Oh my!

Tonight while watching ESPN I was amazed at Stephen A. Smith on Quite Frankly. He was quite frank about his feelings about Jesse Jackson. He basically said that Jesse was doing everything for show. There is nothing do with civil rights in regards to Barry Bonds and having syringes thrown at him. Ty and I were completely amazed that a black man was being so brutally honest about a civil rights leader. We were so proud of him. I'm looking for a link, so you can here it. I'll add it when I find it.

Here's the link his speech in print:
http://www.charlotte.com/mld/charlotte/news/breaking_news/14364068.htm

Spring Sing

Spring Sing weekend is over, and I'm exhausted! Most of my college buddies were in town. We got to hang out without husbands on Friday night. It was great fun. One friend is pregnant, another is trying, and two had babies. I can't believe we are all getting so old. I love how Harding lets you pick up right where you left off. There was no awkwardness between us as some of us haven't seen each other in two years. Even though I still live in Searcy, it was amazing to see how much the campus has changed. Race street has changed too. Mainly in the last couple of months. It's been real annoying for driving. Searcy really is growing, and I can't seem to keep up.

Spring Sing was not as good this year as it has been in the past. The host and hostesses did great(better than usual), but the ensemble was off all night in every song. I liked the little jingles before the club acts, however the did not announce the club names in the introductions. United We Stand was almost undetectable. It didn't sound like the same song, and I didn't like the awkward river dance that accompanied it. I did like the new arrangement of music though. This year there was not a show you felt sorry for, but at the same time there wasn't one that was OUTSTANDING. They were all somewhere in the murky middle.
Critique of shows:
Shantih: Mario Brothers: Great idea, but I was almost embarrassed I had been a part of the club. I didn't tell my kids that I took to the children's performance which club I had been in.
Zeta Rho/TNT: Work out: Well done! There was humor and great staging. I was purely entertained especially with Richard Simmons in your show.
Chios/Delta Gamma Rho: Ninjas: Cute! I really enjoyed how your choreography took on the character of an oriental person. I LOVED your costumes.
Kings Men/Omega Lambda Chi/and every club: Commercials: I have never laughed so hard in a show. Bison Bits with an autographed picture of Dr. Burks was priceless. Very creative!
Kojies/JuGoJu: Boot Camp: Very clean, but not that entertaining. Glad you placed, but it just wasn't as good as your shows typically are.
ChiSigs/Regina: I had no idea what was happening in your show. Your show had choreography that has been used in tons of shows in the past. I was disappointed in the lack of creativity.
GammaSigs/Iota Chi: Your costumes were cute, but I have no idea how you were allowed to do your show. Cowboys(Kings Men) and Gold Rush(Chi Sigs/Regina) should be so upset. It was so very similar to their shows. As a former director, I do not know how that was approved. Props for convincing the powers that be.

Tired

I just finished a crazy week. I am now co-coaching the cheerleading squad at school. I spent every night at school until 9. I also had a clinic Saturday morning. It was so busy. I slept more this weekend than I have all year. I needed all that extra sleep. I'm finally catching up.

This week was also bittersweet in the fact that we took 40 out of 59. That's a huge squad, but I felt so bad about the 19 that didn't make it. They all worked so hard. I have mixed feelings about taking 40. That is a huge number!!! When they try out in 9th grade the squad is brought down to 12. It can break your heart if you've cheered for two years and then all of a sudden, you don't make the squad. The good thing about a squad that big is that it lets more people get involved.

I'm so happy with the squad that was chosen. Things should work out great because we have a lot of really talented girls.

Anger

Yesterday, Ty and I went to Little Rock to celebrate "Gotcha Day" with his parents. (Gotcha day is the day Ty's parents brought him home because he was adopted.) Ty's parents were pressuring him to quit at Doc's and come work for the family business, so he can inherit it when his dad retires. Ty has fought working for the business because he doesn't want to be on call in the middle of the night when we have kids like his father was when he was little. Ty's dad offered him a job for $10 an hour and the business within five years. Ty and I discussed it and decided for him to take it. Well, his mother who is a partner in the business was not present when this discussion took place. She decided upon hearing this that she did not want this. I do not understand why. She wanted him to leave his current job and join the business, but she's not wanting to pay him for it. I don't understand. I'm so mad about. We had made a life decision to take over the family business, but now we can't. However, Ty still has to stay at Doc's indefinitely. We are so upset because now we don't know what to do for the future. This job would have allowed me to work as an office manager at home with kids. It also would have allowed us to have insurance, cars, and gas money from the business' income. I'm just so frustrated with all that has happened. I just do not understand Ty's mother. I'm beginning to understand his hostility towards her.

Spring Break

Spring Break started Friday. It couldn't have come at a better time. I was ready to kill some of the students because I was so exhausted and needed some time off. My break has started off pretty well. I've done nothing but play with my dogs. I finally found out what was causing my blurred vision. It's nothing serious. It's just eye muscle spasms. I have to give my eyes a rest during close up work. I have a fun filled week of babysitting, going to the doctor, and painting planned. I'm looking forward to time off to rest and not think about school for awhile.

I also have a new niece, Emily Arden Diles. She was born Wednesday weighing in at 7 lbs. 8 oz. and 19 inches long. Mom and baby are doing fine as is the aunt.

Crazy Week

So this week has been absolutely crazy. I'll start with Saturday because no one ever starts their week there. I had class from 8-4. We found out we had a project due Friday! Monday, I gave the benchmark exam and had a paper due in Research. Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday I gave more benchmark testing. I had class Thursday night from 4:30-9:30. Not fun!! Things I had to do this week other than going to class.

• paper for research
• grades turned in
• advanced placement curriculum
• brochure for counseling
• study for test in theories
• bomb test in theories
• take Patton to the vet

This week also was my husband's birthday. Not to mention laundry and cleaning. Which both have been neglected. I'm so thankful it is Friday, and it is Harding's spring break next week. I need a break from classes. Then it is school's spring break, so I don't have to go to work.

I am completely worn out and emotionally strained.

Good things come to those who wait

Today, I was driving home from my mother-in-law's house in Little Rock. I found the most exciting thing. Taco Bueno is coming. They are almost finished. Yes, it is in Little Rock, but that is closer than Texas. The really great news is that it is at the exit to go to the Gentry's home. I can't wait until it opens. Hopefully it will do well enough that one will come to Searcy soon! Here is proof that it is there.

Death

I've had lots of issues lately with death. I'm afraid to die. I don't know why, but that thought of crossing over scares me. What if I get stuck? What will happen to Ty? Will he know how to pay bills etc.? I know that the odds of me dying soon are not great but they are out there. Let me state some things that have happened since the beginning of February around here.

• A central high cheerleader was killed in a car wreck on Feb. 6.(However, she was 3 times over the legal limit of alcohol and she had cocaine in her system)
• A Harding Academy senior's mother died in car wreck.
• A student at my brother's school died in a car wreck on Monday. (He teaches at a small Christian school in Tennessee. The whole basketball team saw the wreck)
• A CAC cheerleader and her mother died yesterday in a car wreck.
• A third grader at my nephew's school died last Thursday. She died from cancer. She told her friends that when she died she wanted it to snow because her mom liked snow. It snowed the next day. She was also told that when she got to heaven she could pick any horse to ride. She had ridden a horse earlier that month. The horse she rode died suddenly the Saturday after her death.
• An 11 month old boy died from heart problems.

I'm just being surrounded and having issues about death.

Shopping

I love to go shopping. It is great fun, but this week, I have almost decided it is not worth it because of lack of customer service.

My advanced science class is taking home mealworms to raise into beetles. I had to go to "The Fishbowl" to purchase them. Well, there was only one person working period. He had to get fish, birds, hamsters, and mealworms out for whoever. There were like 3o customers. I finally got him to get by worms. He then asked if that would be all. I said yes and proceeded to go to the register. Did he follow? No!!! I waited for 15 minutes to be checked out! If I didn't need them for class, I would have just left.

I then head to Wal-Mart. Unlike most people, I enjoy Wal-Mart. I love to take my time and walk up and down all the aisles and look at stuff I don't need nor will I ever and wonder who buys that. Well, Wednesday I did not have the time to do this. I had to get in, get out, go home, cook supper, and go to church. So, I was on track to get out of there quickly. Well, the first obstacle was my cart. It worked just fine until I put two bags of 40 lb. dog food in it. Then it became that clanging annoying cart that won't turn. I buy dog food all the time and this doesn't happen, so it was the cart. On top of that everyone was there. It was so crowed that you had to go down the aisles twice, one time for each side. Towards the end of the experience all the stockers come out. They close off all the short breaks in the main aisle, so you have to go all the way to the end and back if you needed something on the other side. Then there were only like 5 registers open, so the lines were so long. It was awful! I didn't even make it home in time to unload the car to go to church much less cook dinner. So, we had Taco Bell, and stayed home. I now know why people hate Wal-Mart. They shop on Wednesdays before church. I know I will never again go on Wednesday after school.

There were loose birds in both stores. They were opening the bird food bags at Wal-Mart.

Secret Sins

We all have some secret sins that we participate in. That might not be sins, but we know that it's not healthy to do them as often as we do. Here are a list of mine.

• Sex and the City Reruns
• Online Games at Shockwave
• Reading blogs
• Ice cream with caramel
• Doing nothing
• Procastinating
• Survivor when its on

What are some of your secret or open indulgences?

Lost

I'm lost. I don't know what to do. I want friends to do things with here in Searcy, but I'm too paranoid to go find them. Searcy is a weird place to be if you're a graduate and don't have kids. There is no strong group at churches for people in this position. You still feel like a student especially if you are married to one, but you are an adult. There are not many people in this position, so it drives you to want to have a baby sooner. I want a baby to put me in a different social group, but I can't afford one. I'm not ready mainly because my husband isn't ready. I'm starting grad school in the fall, so I will be a full time employee and student. This will most likely put me in a weirder spot than I am now, but it might give me some outlets for meeting new people.

Ty's job has him working most Sunday mornings. Even though he was told it would be 2 Sundays a month at the most, he has not been off a Sunday since October except for Christmas Day. I am so shy with people that I don't know well, that I can't go by myself. I have a hard time going to church by myself. Most of the time, I just don't go because the anxiety of it is too much for me to handle. I strive for a sense of belonging, but I'm so afraid of not fitting in, that I don't try. My two closest friends live in Texas, so I'm without girls just to hang out with. There are some married friends here that we have, but I'm without a group. I long for a group, but cannot find one. I'm in a weird place, and I hate it.